This menopause thing.


This menopause thing is making my writing  hot and cold. {oh! yes, pun intended}

It all started with not keeping the seasons in order for my characters. I must have re-written the same scene several time. Once I was confident it was perfect, {ha!} I read it out loud. Well…I wanted to throw my computer out the window and just give up. My poor characters were dressed all wrong, driving in a snow storm in one line then packing the car for the beach the next line!  I tried to take a breath and move away from the screen but I just could not catch my breath.

I was so angry and feeling a bit spiteful, I decided to kill off a main character. I mean really he was not cooperating so he deserved it. When I felt vindicated from the brutality tears swelled in my eyes and rolled down my cheek. How could I be so heartless? The poor guy was just trying to do his best. So of course that scene had to be deleted and re-written. I had no words for the poor guy, naturally I was angry again that I had to delete! He is stuck somewhere between being supportive, being assertive, being showered with affection and feeling the wrath of the vicious murderer. In actuality what he needs to do is find his boy and show that he can step up when required.

I sit staring at the screen when the sound of one of my little dogs nails clicking on my hard wood floor sent chills up and down my spine. I made a deal with myself that if he just sat down then I could continue on with my work. I promised myself that if the clicking just stopped I would not send him and the other 2 dogs out in the rain for the day. You would think he would cooperate or the very least the other 2 would force him into submission! Nope...so knowing how they despise the rain, a feeling of sweet revenge eased my tingling spine as I sent them out in the pouring rain.  I sat back in front of my computer feeling spiteful.

The spitefulness flowed onto the screen. Just when the mother and father were in reach of their boy, his captive cleverly escaped. This drove the retired detective to feel like retirement was just in the nick of time. My words made him realize he is too old to be in the game, he needs to step aside and let his apprentice take over. The old man second guessed his every move. I drove him to the brink of a break down and I was loving it! How dare he be so arrogant and testify in front of a judge convincing her and the jury that the mother ought to be locked away in a criminally insane asylum? Yet again, I had to delete my words, I remembered that the mother and father needed his help. After all he was retired but still had all his connections. He had to believe in himself and the woman he helped put away or the boy would never be rescued.

The blank screen was mocking me. My hands were gripping tight to the screen ready to smash it to the floor. I needed to hear the sweet sound of it crashing to the floor as the glass broke. Instead from the second floor my boy was asking to eat. Really?…I just fed the boy yesterday! Out of my mouth flowed the words, ” sure sunshine, what would you like?” In my mind I was screaming, “YOU, YOU ARE hungry, NOT me, you are capable of making your own sandwich and while you’re at it make me one too”.  While making his sandwich my stomach began to growl, but I can not indulge in the high fat, high salt processed lunch meat! As I fought back the drool and urge to devour the boys food, I spotted the healthy vegetable filled salad I made the day before.  I took one fork full of the healthiness and dumped it in the garbage. I returned to my computer with a heaping handful of salt and vinegar chips and a fresh cup of coffee.

After the last chip was delightfully digested I began to craft a scene that was sure to send me soaring to the top of a best sellers list. I would love to tell you about it, but the barking from the drenched dogs made me practically rip my hair out. They came running in at such speed all 3 slid across the wood floor and into the table causing the clothes that were still not folded to tumble on the floor. I’ll assume it was pay back as they proceeded to roll themselves into the clothes. Well, 2 can play the pay back game, all 3 were shuffled into their crate with a slamming of the latch! When I sat back at my desk, I slammed my hands onto the keyboard and deleted my best seller scene. In pure defeat, I hung my head in my hands and sobbed.

I sobbed for my characters, for my lost words, for the pile of clothes now needing to be laundered again. Somehow through my sobs I determined this was the boys fault. He was having a bit too much fun on the phone with his friends. He should have known I was working and the dogs needed tending too, so now he was going to sit at the table and compute at least 50 algebra questions. He didn’t even bother to fight me, which made my heart melt. I watched as he sat there and dutifully did his work. I could not let him go on, I could not go on!  I ran in the bathroom to hide my shame. I emerged smiling and happy to announce we were going to the local five and dime and he could get anything he wanted. Still he said nothing. I think he is too used to the highs and lows.  [What I really think is that he rides out the lows knowing he will benefit from the high!]

When we returned he retrieved back to the second floor to call his friend and give details of his prize for dealing with me. My computer was beckoning me but the clothes needed to be transferred into the drier. I passed the kitchen clock and realized my husband would be home shortly and I could not allow him to be greeted with no dinner. By this time the fullness front he chips wore off and I was famished. I set out to whip up a seven coarse meal but sadly was hit with the fact that I had not food shopped in a while. I debated running back out but before I knew it I was on the phone and ordering an over load of carbs, grease, fried something or another with a side of healthiness. As I waited for my husband and food delivery I sat back at my desk with determination to complete a scene.

My mind was blank, I had to scroll up to high and read what was written to familiarize myself as to what should come next. When the words started to form I could not sit still in my seat.  The heat started from my toes and stopped at the nape of my neck. I’m pretty sure I was sweating from behind my ears. I tried reaching for the ceiling fan chain but the stupid new dining room  table that the fan hangs over prevent such. Rage cause more heat than I could handle, I had no choice than to stand on my front porch flapping my shirt in desperation to cool down. My neighbor had the nerve to wave to me!  Embarrassment caused a laugh reflex as I waved back. I slid back towards my door hopefully out of sight as the laugh turned into a full on belly chuckle. I breezed back into the house, shouting up to the boy making sure all was right in his world. The door opening and closing alerted the dogs that I forgot were punished. I allowed them to shower me with affection as they followed me through the rush of a house cleaning.

My husband finally home and dinner delivered. [Bless his soul, he never complains  about a thing, he could care less what the house looked like or what was or was not on the table.] We recap the day and discuss issues that needed tending too.  As I clear the table, the boy return to the second floor, the 3 dogs enjoy scraps from dad before he tunes into whatever t.v. program interest him. I figure since all matters discussed, bellies full and each in their corner of the house that it was the perfect time to finish a scene.

As I sat and stared at the screen hoping for magic, the guilt of what I ate agitated me to tears. The tears turned to anger, the anger turned into a hot flash. Not being able to tear off my clothing fast enough caused irritation. My flaring around apparently was a funny sight which made my husband laugh. I guess from the look of death shot his way he figured out quickly to focus  back on his  t.v. program.  Finally disrobed and defeated I too went to the second floor to soak in a cool bath.

My loving , caring, understanding family has learned to ride the highs and lows of this menopause thing. I just hope my characters learn to ride along too!

2 thoughts on “This menopause thing.

  1. I shouldn’t laugh. It might make you cross! But just wanted to say what a wonderful post and thanks for sharing. : )

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